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chuckp

Member
Joined
Jul 29, 2018
Messages
398
Recently i had the idea to buy some Viagra, just to have some fun.
After some period of doubt i decided not to take them, got a bit scared, i dont know why.
So i flushed them down the toilet.
What do you think what happens next?
I could not lower the toilet seat anymore.....
I got badly sunburned a few years back, had serious burns over 80% of my body. Ended up in the hospital burns ward. Doctor did his rounds and when he got to me he said to the nurse, this is a very extreme case of sun burn, I will need you to bath him in saline water three times daily with aqua cream applied between each bathing and two viagra daily. The young trainee nurse looked at the doctor and said I understand the bathing and the cream but what’s the viagra for. The doctor replied oh yeah that’s to keep the sheets off his legs.
 
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100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
Two way joke:

Two men are sitting on a bench in the park, observing a woman with a kangaroo.
The man said:
They look cute, look innocent, very expensive, are hard to train and most of the time cranky.
The other one is a woman i don't have any knowledge about that one.

Two woman are sitting on a bench in the park, observing a man and his dog.
One woman said:
They make a mess, irresponsible, walk without control, to easy to train and always act childish they never grow up and always want to play and cuddle.
The other one is a male i have no clue about them.
 

rodagaster

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2018
Messages
16
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Good one mate i might have to borrow this cheers .
 

OffGridInTheCity

Active member
Joined
Dec 15, 2018
Messages
1,738
And I was thinking large quantity 18650 cell processing was bad....

1619750590457.png


We need to get this person signed up :)
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
God's Plan for Aging.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the '60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
 

floydR

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2017
Messages
1,307
All good expect for number 4 it should be teach a person to use the internet become their lifetime tech support person.
I have a service call at moms today might make up for the lack of a mother's day gift
later floyd
 

OffGridInTheCity

Active member
Joined
Dec 15, 2018
Messages
1,738
THIS BAG IS NOT A TOY!

I got some screws and was reading the labels on the bag... (I know, its a slow morning :))

And you thought 18650s are dangerous..... who knew that the screws being a choke hazard was not the main issue, its really the bag!
1620751713915.png
 
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100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
Those vegan spare ribs are REALLY amazing, delicious and good tasting....
The hardest part is to hunt down the vegan.

...oke moving along...

Some folks from the city just retired and decided to buy a small farm house outside the city.
And of course they wanted to have life stock, including a pig.
So a female pig was bought and after a year living happy with all there live stock a nieghboor farmer walked along there street.
He decided to start a conversation...
Hey, a have a boar(male pig), would you not like some family for your piggy?

The woman replayed yes that would be nice.
So with the instructions they put the piggy in to a wheel barrel and walked to the boar, and release her.
The boar was really on his top of his testosterone thinking: WHAT...i dont see this much pretty every day...
So mother nature was calling in and the boar was giving it all, 1.5 hours long, really ALL.

So during the coffee the women asked the farmer: how we do know it was a "hit/success"
The farmer replayed: if your piggy is in the mud pool tomorrow morning it was a hit, if she is on the dry side it was a failure and you need to come back..

Next morning the piggy was not in the mud pool....so the called the farmer and the piggy was according the instructions put into the wheel barrel and they went to the farmer, to release her in to the pen of the boar....
Again the boar had something WTF WOW AGAIN........and give all his best 2 hours long, yes of course how many times you get this opportunity...

So the owner of the piggy asked the owner of the boar:
So if she is on the dry side tomorrow "it" was not a success?

No then you have to put her in the wheel barrel again and release her over here...you will see it first time in the morning...

So this went on for two more days...the man was getting a bit aggravated...
When they woke up on the 5th day the woman looked outside and the man asked and NOW WHAT...Hit or no hit...
The woman burst out in laughing tears almost rolling over the floor laughing....
No she replays, our piggy is already in the wheel barrel.....

Good morning folks
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
Father, I Must Confess My Sins


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Most off us been there?
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'
'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?'
'The gold.'
'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness because that's more important than money.'
'Everyone would choose what they don't have.' says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
'Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!'
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down.
On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"
Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!"

Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
"I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?" He shouts at his friend.
"I did..." Explained Bob, "but I landed head first!"
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
A old man (76) was seeing his doctor for a health check.
The doctor asked how are we feeling today?
Well said the man i feel very good i am healthy can walk up strait and my 26 year old girl is pregnant of me and we are going to marry.
What could be wrong? i feel very good.

Doctor:
Well i have a man in my office that hunts for almost 60 years now, never skips one single hunt, every time the same drill:
Walks to his coat rack and put on his hat, coat and gets his rifle on his shoulder and went outside.
One morning he was a little late and per mistake instead of his rifle he put his umbrella on his shoulder.
In the forest he saw a bear, toke his rifle and noticed his mistake.......he was aiming with his umbrella.
The bear was getting closer so he did the aim and jelled BANG....
The bear drooped dead to the earth...

But doctor that is not possible, there must be a other hunter that took the shot!

Doctor:
So oke, well now you understand this, lets get back to your pregnant girlfriend......
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
The Nun and the fig leaf

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

But when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
The Real Laws of the Universe


LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR
Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged tone.

CANNON'S KARMIC LAW
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Same goes for car lanes.

BELL'S THEOREM
The moment your body is immersed in water, the phone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down for a hot cup of coffee, someone will want to talk to you until the precise moment your coffee is cold...
 

100kwh-hunter

Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
760
A man was going to see his doctor for his pecker, it was uncomfortably big, really to big.
Well said the doctor i can take of half to get it to normal size.
Next day he went to the hospital to lose half his pecker.
Out of curiosity he asked what is going to happen with that other 20cm/8 inch?

The nurse replied
We are going to stretch it up to 1 meter 80, give it a wig and a speed ticked book
 
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