What does it mean when your smoke alarm goes off?
Well, in my house, it means supper is ready….

I hired a tree trimmer who did an outstanding job.
I told him to take a bough…

Sign on an optometrist’s door….
” If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
AHHHHHH this one was terrible!!!!!!! LOL:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
A guy comes home from work and is met by his wife who is crying hysterically. She tells him she called the drug store for advice and the phone just kept ringing and when the pharmacist finally picked up, he didn't answer her question and actually crudely insulted her. The husband gets back in his car and goes to the drug store but before he can confront him the pharmacist says let me explain what happened.

"My alarm didn't go off this morning so being late I skipped breakfast, jumped in my car and left home. Because I was late I got stopped for speeding and had to wait for the officer to write the ticket. When I got going again I got a flat tire three blocks from the store. When I got here a number of people were waiting and the phone is ringing. I had to take care of the people who were here first and while hurrying to fill their orders I spilled several bottles of bills and the damn phone is still ringing. When I finally picked up the phone it was your wife who asked for directions on how to use the rectal thermometer.

All I did was tell her."
A boy confesses to his priest.
'Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'
'Was it Nancy Connor?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Judy Cohen?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Kate Takenyo?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rose DeMarco, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Joey produces a sly smile: 'A four month holiday and five good leads.'
It is very well known that carrots are good for the eyes.
But alcohol is better: It doubles your eyesight.
A friend of mine is recently single.
He has troubles to cook a good meal for himself.
So some simple cooking book was bought.
A couple of weeks later I ask him how his cooking was going.
He replied, bad really bad, the recipes are failing with the first sentence: get a clean cooking pan.
true British humor:

Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-"

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-"

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?"

"We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
A pregnant woman and her husband had decided that they would have natural childbirth at home using a Midwife. When she starts into labor they call the Midwife and she shows up with another woman who is a Median. The Median explains that she will hold the wife's hand while she is in labor. "This will transfer the labor pain from the mother to the father and he can control as much of the pain as he is willing to accept." the Median tells them.

It's an extremely long and difficult labor and as the labor goes on the Median asks if the pain is transferring and mother says she is feeling less pain but the husband says, "I don't feel anything yet, so send more to me." The Median does this and the husband still feels nothing and finally all the mother's pain is sent to the father. After the child is born the Median tells the couple that she has never had a delivery where the father accepted all the pain and felt nothing. She tells the husband, "With a labor as difficult as this one I'm shocked that the father could even tolerate such incredible pain"

As the Midwife and the Median are leaving the house they find the mailman dead on the porch.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."
Little birdey in the sky, Drop some whitewash in my eye. Me don't care me don't cry but me sure glad that cows don't fly!
The Old Rooster vs. The New Rooster

A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced. However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."

The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed. "However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."

The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed. The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.

"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!", I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"
I can not shop at the local shop anymore :)))))Yesterday I was at my local shop buying a large bag of dog treads for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the dog tread Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
The local shop won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus."
During WW2:

Three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers. The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. He makes it out and crumples to the floor, dead from his many wounds. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” Laughs the Russian general.

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier salutes and says “No disrespect, General, but you've lost your darn mind if you think I'll do that, sir!" “See?" Smiles the general, "Now THAT takes some guts!”
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her underwear, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
it's ALMOST funny?? Never seen it tho