humor

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.
 
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.


Old joke.....just from memory...a campfire story!
 
Last weekend i asked what a 20 year old escort would cost me.....
There answer: in mint condition or a restoration object....

OKE nice weekend you all...
 
One of the oldest in my book, told by my father when we where still kids, in front of a real fire place...

It was a very cold, stormy and raining night, December 1955.
A young lady was sitting comfortably by her fireplace, the living room was brighten with some candles.
She was closing the curtains when suddenly the telephone ring.
She decided to not answer the phone, it was to late.

She started to worry, what if there was something wrong? and she answered: H h hello?
M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, i am 5 blocks away from you....and hung up.
W: Well oke she thought..but little scared.

10 minutes later the phone ring:
W: H h h hello?
M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, i am 4 blocks away from you....and hung up.
W: she was getting a little nervous.

10 minutes later the phone ring again:
W: H h h hello?
M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, i am 3 blocks away from you....and hung up.
W: she was getting really nervous this time.
Sat down trying to relax, enjoy the fire.

10 minutes later the phone ring again:
W: ....Silent....
M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, i am 2 blocks away from you....and hung up.
W: she was walking up and down the whole house, what to do? What to do?

10 minutes later the phone ring again:
W: ....Silent....
M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, i am 1 block away from you....and hung up.
W: she was walking up and down the whole house, very scared....what to do? What to do?

10 minutes later: THE DOORBELL.......

W: Oh no, no no nnn noooo.
The doorbell went on a persisting way.
On a way she could not ignore, she had to open....
Her hart was pounding, she was scared, did not know what to do.
What if, what if...
She went almost crazy and opened the door with the stove poker in her hand, trembling all over.

M: I am the man with the bleeding finger, do you have a patch for me?
 
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It Snowed Last Night

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snowmen instead.

8:22 - The transgender man/woman/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - The TV news crew from CTV showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a
sexist.

9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.
 
I remember this one as a ~20-25 year old Dutch insurance commercial, someone made a joke about it...I highly appreciate this one.

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son:

"Junior, go get your Mother."
 
08:30 - Environmentalists complained about the impending carbon emissions because you used two lumps of coal for the eyes
 
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,
"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says,
"None." The teacher asks,
"Why?" Johnny says,
"Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says,
"No, two, but I like how you're thinking," Johnny asks the teacher,
"If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says,
"The one sucking her ice cream.
"Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 
A teacher asks her class to name things that end with “tor” that eats things.

The first little boy puts his hand up and says “Alligator”

“very good that’s a big word” said the teacher

A second boy raised his hand and said
“Predator”

“yes that’s another big word, well done” replied the teacher

Then little Johnny put his hand up and says
“vibrator miss”

After nearly fall out of her chair the teacher says
“That’s also a big word, but it doesn’t eat anything”

Little Johnny replied “well my sister has one and she says it eats frigging batteries like there’s no tomorrow”
 
"I swear there are no cables here, you can do the core drilling without any problems"

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Well, ones things for sure, at least everything was either burial or in conduit 😝
 
italianusercs said:
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😂 That’s just the sort of thing my Mrs would do. Poor old girl I have to hide all the sharps when she goes near the in the kitchen, guaranteed she’s going to cut or stab her self with something. Honestly she could hurt herself in a padded cell full of cushions 😂
 
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The sun is coming out / spring is arriving. My wife is not a fan of panels. We were walking this morning and I commented that yesterday was our 1st day of 'excess' PV power.... ( went 24hrs continuous without hitting low voltage cut-off) and she said

"Oh good, then you can take some panels down for the summer!"

Yikes - I hope she was kidding :)
 
Recently i had the idea to buy some Viagra, just to have some fun.
After some period of doubt i decided not to take them, got a bit scared, i dont know why.
So i flushed them down the toilet.
What do you think what happens next?
I could not lower the toilet seat anymore.....
 
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